Black Sheep Insomniac
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I should be happy

But instead all I feel is the crushing weight of anxiety and a lack of motivation.

Before I get into all that, I feel a life update is necessary. I got guestbook entry from someone calling themself "random internet person" and here's what they said:

"I just read your post about 2020 and your job hunt. I'm sorry the jet program didn't pan out for you. You should apply again next year. Living abroad is my dream, too, so get out there and make it happen! That way I can live vicariously through your blog lol."

I got this message on December 10th of last year and I apologize that it has taken me so long to acknowledge it! I appreciate this message so much and I do have some good news to share about my JET program experience. (If you're not sure what JET is click here) In early December, JET contacted me and said they had an opening for me for April 2020. I had applied in the fall of 2019 for the 2020 cycle and in April I was put on the waitlist. As the pandemic worsened, my hope for participating in the program diminished and by June 2020 I had given up completely. Departure for 2020 had been put on hold indefinitely and as an alternate, my only hope for getting in was if someone else backed out. If they aren't sending anyone out in the first place there was no chance for me.

With all that being said, I was absolutely shocked when I received that email. I had been informed in Novemeber 2020 that they were looking to upgrade alternates but I didn't want to get my hopes up again. I figured I would just try again once things with COVID have settled down. Upon hearing this news I experienced a wave of happiness and excitement. Then a wave of panic started to hit as I began to think of all the logistics of moving abroad in 4 months. Now, I just have a heavy feeling in my chest that is hard to explain and won't go away no matter what I do.

I haven't heard much in the way of updates since getting the good news, which I think only makes my anxiety worse. We are supposed to find out where we will be living in Japan sometime this month but with this new strain closing Japan's borders yet again things are not looking promising. I've filled out all the paperwork I can at the moment and the rest has to wait until I get my placement. I know there are things I could be doing to prepare now, like studying Japanese, getting my stuff orgranized, getting rid of things I don't need to have stored while I'm away, and shopping for things I will need while in Japan. But my motivation is so low right now and I hate it. It's hard not to feel guilty each day when I don't get things done that I want to get done. For now, I'm just trying to take things slow and get done what I can. I know there's no point in stressing about things out of my control but there are plenty of things that are in my control.

I should be happy. This opportunity is something I have wanted for years now. Something at one point in my life I thought I could never achieve. One way or another, I'll get there.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any errors. Maybe I'll proofread later but right now I don't feel like it. Hope to have more content on this site soon since I have all these ideas written down that I never get around to.

-Serena Brann, 01/19/21 4:43 pm


My name is Serena, and I'm a 27 year old from the great state of Oklahoma. I have a variety of interests, including video games, anime, reading, taking pictures of my cat, writing, studying Japanese, and browsing the internet. I'm the sort of person that has an opinion on damn near everything, to the point where it probably annoys the hell out of the people close to me, which is part of why I decided to start this website.


"black sheep insomniac" by Serena B.
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